Why Living Together is a Good Idea

Marriage

• Some couples want to try living together to see how they get on together before committing to marriage. Other times, they simply don't have the option to get married. For example, same-sex couples have marriage rights only in a handful of American states, and at one time interracial marriage was socially forbidden.

Practicalities

• Living together makes economic sense, as a couple can share the costs of utility bills and other expenses between them. In the lead-up to an expensive wedding, cohabitation could mean big savings. In some cases, marriage can affect taxation and social security benefits, so couples choose to live together rather than marry.

Emotions

• At root, many couples live together because they love each other and enjoy spending their lives close to each other. According to social scientists David Knox and Caroline Schacht, in the book "Choices in Relationships," couples who live together are more likely to report a sense of emotional well-being than single people or non-cohabiting couples.

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Cohabitation and Its Advantages

Cohabitation simply means living together. The term is normally applied to two people who are living together outside of marriage. According to a joint study by the Pew Research Center and "Time Magazine," four out of ten Americans think marriage is becoming obsolete. Although various religious traditions frown upon cohabitation, many cohabitating couples find the arrangement to be more advantageous than marriage.

Financial Benefits

• Cohabitation is financially advantageous if the two people who are cohabitating would otherwise reside alone. Not only can cohabitating couples split rent, they can also split cable, Internet, telephone and other utility bills. People can also save money on gas since they will not be traveling back and forth between each other's residences. Cohabitation allows couples to save money on the monthly costs of living, and this may be helpful if the couple is saving for a wedding, honeymoon or a future mortgage. According to the Pew Research Poll, two thirds of persons that have cohabitated regarded the arrangement as a step towards marriage. If the couple does not intend to marry, they can avoid the costs of a big wedding ceremony by simply moving in together.

No Ceremony

• Some non-religious people choose to cohabitate because they do not regard the religious or legal ceremony of marriage to be that important. For these people, a union between two people is not stronger simply because a priest or state officiant formally acknowledges the union. If a couple regards marriage as a mere formality, then cohabitating can be a more desirable option.

Companionship and Compatibility

• Cohabitation provides companionship. Cohabitating couples can enjoy each other's company when home from work in the evening or when just relaxing on the weekends. At the same time, cohabitation provides the opportunity to test compatibility before making the serious commitment of marriage. Residing together can really change the dynamic of a relationship and introduce new stresses and tensions. Some couples prefer to experience these adjustments before marriage.

Protesting the Institution of Marriage

• Despite religious, cultural and legal biases against non-traditional unions, more and more Americans are accepting of unions between two men or two women. In fact, according to an April 2011 CNN/Opinion Research Corporation Poll, 51 percent of Americans think gays and lesbians should have the same legal rights as married men and women. Some heterosexual couples choose to protest the heterosexist bias of the institution of marriage by refusing to wed until all couples are permitted to wed. Others reject the institution of marriage altogether, believing that it privileges patriarchal values. For people with ethical objects to marriage or to legislation authorizing only one type of marriage, cohabitation is an alternative.

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Why Do Couples Who Live Together Divorce?

By John London

Opinion is wildly divided on whether couples who live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced than those who don't. Some studies have shown divorce rates up to 80 percent higher for unmarried cohabiting couples, while others suggest there is no significant difference. It does seem, however, that there is at least a prima facie case to suggest that co-habitation before marriage does raise the chances of a couple getting a divorce over and above the accepted average.

Commitment

One reason that has been cited for the higher divorce rates of cohabiting unmarried couples is their lack of commitment to the institution of marriage. Clearly the less moral, emotional and spiritual value people place on marriage, the more their ties to the institution will be weaker as a whole and divorce will come much easier. A couple who are cohabiting before marriage have shown they place a lesser value on the institution of marriage than others who take a more rigid and traditional approach.

Peer Pressure

It is possible that those who have cohabited for long periods before marriage eventually end up getting married for a wrong reason, such as peer pressure -- either from the other partner or family and friends or all three. Sometimes people can cohabit without very strong relationship bonds in the first place. The marriage may not have been any momentous decision -- just one they drifted into. Because the relationships were not overly committed to begin with, clearly the marriage is at more risk of ending in divorce.

Conservatism

It can be argued that those who do not cohabit before marriage are generally more morally conservative than those who do. Therefore they are less likely to be divorced. They place a higher value on the institution and perhaps will endure a greater degree of marital strain than others before -- if at all -- succumbing to divorce. Those who do cohabit could be seen to be of a more liberal persuasion and will be inherently more inclined to treat divorce as a less important act than others.

Expectation

People who cohabit before marriage may have unrealistic expectations of what marriage is all about. They may have an unrealistic, "rose-tinted" view of marriage and believe that once the act is done their previously shaky or fractious relationship will settle into a phase of domestic bliss. They may be very surprised to discover that after marriage not much has changed because the fundamental underlying causes of their poor relationship have not been changed.


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Space in a Relationship

Being clingy, or overly needing your boyfriend's attention, is likely to make him feel suffocated. Learn to step back and give him some breathing space, for your boyfriend's good and for your relationship's as well. Giving space is about trusting your boyfriend and allowing him to have a life of his own and to celebrate his individuality. Recognize the warning signs of your clinginess before the situation turns worse and you end up losing your boyfriend and a relationship that could've been beautiful.


Include "his time without me" into your daily routine. Make it a rule to leave your boyfriend alone during this time. Allow him to think alone, hang out with friends or pursue whatever that interests him during this time. Realize that by doing this, you'll give him more things to share with you, which you can add to your list of personal moments.


Allow your boyfriend exclusive time alone with his friends regularly. Let your boyfriend spend his time with his friends while you spend it with yours, each planning your own activities. For example, your boyfriend could go to a local football game while you spend time shopping; or your boyfriend and his company could laze out in front of a TV at home while you spend a spa day with your friends.


Learn to read your boyfriend's moods and preferences to understand when he needs his space. For example, imagine you are in a romantic mood and hug your boyfriend but you don't feel him being enthusiastic or even interested, let alone responding to your gesture; this is a sign to back off and give him his space. Understand that by being adamant and refusing to respect your boyfriend's back-off signs, you are being selfish; by giving space you prevent ending up in a fight, and chances are high that your boyfriend will seek you out once his mood changes.


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